(the beach at La Push, WA on my birthday)
I think my least favorite feeling on earth is hurting someone. I’m fine with being hurt – hell, I’ve gotten good at it. Stuff tends to roll off my back pretty well at this point in life, but letting someone else down, making someone feel betrayed, knowing that someone’s lost their trust in you. That’s brutal.
It could be argued that its my damn fault for wanting to please everyone all the time. I wouldn’t deny that’s been an aspect of my personality that took a long time to figure out and deal with. Genuine selflessness is admirable, but nobody respects a doormat. The line is fine but easy to call when you see it.
Ultimately, relationships are simple. You just need friendship, attraction, compatibility, trust, and determination, right? How hard is that? I am sometimes envious of my friends who found someone they work with so naturally, so early on in their life. I’m not terribly extroverted though many people tell me I am. I’m not quick with meeting people and making friends, and I usually see no real value in casual dating – its like playing slot machines. I tend to want to get to really get to know people first. I blame my parents for that in a way – their marriage was one of the most incredible relationships I’ve ever bore witness to, and their mantra was always friendship. Even when you do focus on that first, there’s no guarantee… but it’s a good starting point, right?
Maybe… but it also means more vulnerability, and more at stake if you then find that there are still some significant incompatibilities. Maybe the old me would shun that word entirely, saying that if there’s a strong friendship, then everything else is worth fighting for. But I’ve spent the last decade of my life fighting hard for a lot of different things that all ended differently than hoped… and if I’m honest, it may have been obvious far earlier in some of those relationships that things just weren’t compatible.
Compatibility is a serious grey area… and I’d say its not even a factor in many relationships. But its high on my list for whatever is next… because its what you can depend on in the rough times, when the rest of it isn’t working out so well. It’s that spark of being amazed, yet comfortable; it’s what allows you to laugh, or to speak freely, or to ask tough questions all in tough times. It’s not saying that you want a carbon copy of yourself, or that you have a list of prerequisites that someone must match – but if you’re honest and self-aware, there’s just a gut feeling that comes along whenever you get to know someone… that you’re two of a kind or not. Sometimes its immediate, sometimes it takes a while. But ignoring it or faking it only adds more tension as things go on. Its not like a conflict that can be worked out. Hell, who knows – maybe this kind of compatibility is just another word for love when it all comes down to it?
And that’s where the real hurt can come from… because it’s intangible and hard to describe. If you like someone and have a lot in common, but clearly aren’t getting along naturally – is that rectifiable? My history says it’s asking for a hell of a lot more work and strife than a healthy relationship needs. If you love them enough to be honest about your feelings and not drag things out, then aren’t you doing the right thing? There are no easy answers there, just the dread that you know by being honest, you’re going to really hurt someone, and potentially lose an all-important friendship – though if that happens, maybe it confirms your feelings afterall, not that that’s any comfort.
Sometimes adulthood kind of sucks.
Well said. Your words hit home for me. I don’t want to discourage you, but at 45, I’m *still* trying to figure it out…. and learning as I go. It seems to be a never ending process… I often wonder why it appears to be so easy for some people, while it’s so damned hard for others. But, then, you have to ask yourself – are those people that are outwardly “happy” truly fulfilled or are they really just “settling” to avoid being alone? That mentality is one that I’ll never understand. At the end of the day, I’d rather be alone than be with someone just to have a warm body next to me. That’s not worth my time – there are too many other things to focus on in life. But I still hold out hope….
Oh, how I wish it was all as simple and real as your blog post makes it sound. Friendship makes romance so much more complicated, and vice versa.
[...] later that we are “profoundly incompatible.” (To be fair, his version of this is here.) He said he felt that I disliked him (still confused about this one), that I am an [...]